Existence

Act1:

Imagining the meaning of this existence as I personally experience it, with the senses I have available to me had always felt a bit overwhelming to me. As if I was birthed into this dimension with some innate anxiety - digging itself into my mind asking, "Do you think you have the time needed to follow the infinite paths available to you in this place, in this form?" At my core, I always seemed to sense a reality that the sand from my lifes' hourglass was pouring itself ubiquitously onto me until my last breath. Oftentimes throughout my life, I’d ask myself aloud when alone and in a thoughtful state of mind: What is this? All of this? 

What are these symbols I’m typing right now, that my brain is interpreting into sounds I'm not actually making but "thinking" about, tied to a full collection of more sounds attached to one another that together we call a language?  This process somehow allows me to consider the sensations of my mind and body. But then I dive deeper into the rabbit hole with each consideration of what all of this is.

Even without the handful of ancient philosophies to sort through - Existence has always felt elusive for me to understand in the context of just me. My body, my experience, my perspective. I am a vessel in this experience of life, experiencing my everything through a bundle of cells and synapses throughout my body. Cells that started as one and multiplied into 37 trillion to create….me. Why me, why in this way, why in this form, and how do I even have any ability to question any of it….in the form of consciousness?

As if that weren’t enough to consider – my existence is only unique to me. What about the consideration of other people in relation to me? How do we view ourselves and how do the other 8 billion people on this floating rock in this universe alter that view? In my opinion, to ponder existence you can’t leave out a discussion of perspective. My existence as I make sense of it is limited to my experiences. My existence would be interpreted differently by every other human on earth, different from every other human that came before me, and different from every human that will exist after me.

My existence is regimented. It’s been shaped via a mechanism of survival that I learned at a young age to stabilize the uncertainty and chaos happening around me. I must admit this was helpful for me in achieving many things in my life including one of my most proud achievements, a PhD. Writing a dissertation requires the literal demonstration of controlling variables. I have a good handle on controlling the things I know to be existing in my life. Probably better than most. It doesn’t explain existence.

Act 2:

I think viewing life and thus existence, only through a lens of ideologies limited to measurable pinpointed variables infinitely limit one’s understanding and appreciation of existence. I think it’s ego centric (no surprise since by default we’re usually viewing everything through ONLY our own experiences) to assume the world only functions through the things we’ve been able to view through a microscope, or manipulate in a lab. To suggest we must postulate the meaning of existence simply through what we have known and discovered would suggest we’re capable of sensing, seeing, knowing everything that exists in our universe. That there are no discoveries left to be made. That we have a full understanding of everything that’s ever existed, does exist, and will ever exist. This feels extremely short-sighted even for someone who’s spent his life making decisions by considering absolutes.

To fully experience existence, to discuss the “what” or “why” of existence, I must let go of the known variables I can control, manipulate, and replicate. I must let go of the very instinctual aspects of my survival that made me the person I am today, achievements and all. I must start by considering what aspects of my experience I cannot label or explain or find in a book written by someone who came before me.  

My view of existence then comes from a place of connection. The most beautiful reality in my life is that every person I will ever meet will have their own unique set of biology and life experiences that make up the living, breathing bundle of cells they are. For most people I have no way of knowing precisely what it feels like to be living through their experiences and sensations, looking through their eyes, experiencing their thoughts.

I will however know a select few people who allow me the opportunity to take their perspective. To share their life stories, to use shared language to scratch the surface of what makes them, well…them. This for me, is existence. It is consciousness. In these moments of connection, my sensations, thoughts, body, energy all exist without pain, anxiety, resentment, or discomfort. It is the beauty that moves me, the unexplained or currently undiscovered sensation of my cells connecting with another’s in such harmony that, against all our individual life experiences, we are one. This is existence.